Some Sort of Machine

?

2011-02-12T07:17:00.001-05:00

And I feel it near, razor sharp, the onslaught of new fears
To lay me to waste and keep me away from the next morning's sun
Should I obey, I am likely to survive, sentiment by fake smile
But only the weak will say that's being truly alive.

the saga of my stolen keys.

2011-02-01T00:44:00.004-05:00

I just want to make a record of today and the weekend, to have it, and let people know what kind of stupid things can happen. I will try my best not to blame people's lack of parenting skills, but that will be hard.

I live in an apartment complex in Dover, NH. Though the residents have been warned to watch their kids, because they have been causing trouble, they don't.
Also, a selection of the the non-kid residents are less than reputable.

On Friday night, I came home late and dropped my keys in the hallway while getting my boots. Saturday around noon, I realized the keys were missing, and began a frantic search for them. I put up a note asking for anyone who saw them in the hallway to call me.

By Sunday morning, the sign was mysteriously missing.
I put up another sign. By Sunday night, it was stashed in a corner in the hallway.

Monday morning, my flatmate left, locking the door behind him.
3 hours later, I was in my room with the door locked, and I received a text message, making my cell phone go off.
All of a sudden, there was a loud sound in my living room, and then someone saying "Hello? Hello?" out there.
My neighbor was there telling me he heard running footsteps and the door banging against the frame.

Whoever is in possession of my keys had the guts to use them to come into my apartment while they thought no one was here. It seemed they were exploring more than stealing, as nothing was missing.
A policeman came and questioned people, but didn't look too hopeful.

Currently, the locks have been changed, but my really important keys are still in the hands of whoever that was that came here.
Glad to know I live somewhere where someone finds your keys outside your door and decides to use them for crime.

Come on, people! Stop being so terrible to one another, and maybe we'll live to see another day. And if you have kids, teach them not to steal and break in to apartments!

Chrome OS goes to school

2011-01-19T01:06:00.008-05:00

Next week (Tuesday, 1/25) I go back to school for my last full semester. I am going to attempt to replace my Asus eee pc 901, which runs Easy Peasy (Ubuntu) with my Google cr-48 for Tuesday through Friday, relying completely on Google Docs for note taking.

Will I miss the eee pc 901? or Tomboy Notes? or Ubuntu? Time will tell.

I'm thinking the added screen real estate and awesome keyboard (a tiny notch above the Apple keyboard I use at work) may assist me.

Full compatibility and veritable "snappy-ness" with the University of New Hampshire student portal is also a big plus.

Here are things I can think of that will make me switch back to a "real netbook":
* Development
* VPN
* Remote desktop
* Full linux shell
* certificate WPA protection (primarily for secure wifi tethering to a Droid Incredible).
* Thunderbird

Stay Tuned. In a few months a sequel will be posted: "Chrome OS lives with my parents."

I have a Google CR-48 running Chrome OS, and some things to say about it.

2010-12-23T22:32:00.017-05:00

So I wished and wished, and Google decided to grace me with a CR-48. Awesome!
How is it, you ask? My answer is "interesting."

------
UPDATE: apparently I am the only one to receive one in this town, according to this interesting tracker:
http://addicted-gamer.com/cr48-tracker/

I had it sent to my parents' house, as I am residing there for a few days.
None have/will be shipping to the town I currently live in, and only one was sent to the town where I go to school.
Supposedly the total to be sent is around 60,000. So far, at least 2 of those are in NH.
------

Some questions I've gotten about it:

* Did they tell you it was coming?
- Not at all. The box shows up at the door and you go "hooray" and log in. They HAVE the contact information, but make it a surprise.

* So, it was free?
- Yeah, I mean, Google know's my credit card info for Android downloads, but there was no money exchange, and no billing involved.

* Well, you have to give it back, right?
- Nobody's put a time limit on it, nobody's said a thing.

* Does it work like any other computer?
- Kind of. It works like any other computer that has an internet browser. A computer that only has an internet browser. So, No and a little bit of yes.
--------

Hardware stuff

As there are plenty of hardware posts out I'll leave the in-depth hardware reviews to other people. If you somehow have not seen a hardware post yet, feel free to check out my facebook album of the CR-48:

http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2076501&id=1327140001&l=354a697119

Of the hardware, I have these things to say:
* Awesome keyboard
* Touchy touchpad (think of a stickier version of a mac pro touchpad).
* No Ethernet port? Severely limits my ability to use for testing modems at work.
* Speakers are very small and project oddly
* Screen is wonderful.

But I know this is reference hardware, so it's not meant to be consumer-centric. Just pointing out things that could make people shy away from this particular unit.

Also, I have yet to find the piece of tape with the magic button (should probably just see it in another person's post), but I did find that odd memory card slot under the battery.

No CAPS LOCK button? Good. I can't remember the last time I needed or wanted to use that button. This little search button is much more useful!

-------------

Okay, so the software...

It's Chrome, and that's about it. the majority of things a user can do with the Chrome Browser can be done on Chrome OS, and vice versa.

Chrome OS and Chrome Browser are brothers (Sisters?) by design. When I logged in, Chrome OS already knew what pages I liked, what my bookmark toolbar should look like, and how I liked to browse the internet. Grabbed it all from my synced data from Chrome Browser.

Then again, some of the known issues in Chrome OS are not problems in Chrome Browser. The one that comes to mind is using the TAB key to navigate fields. I feel strange when I use the mouse to select fields on the sites on which I am used to using TAB.

My father found a few things when he jumped on today, such as the ultra-helpful task manager (it can be found via settings but Shift+ESC is easiest). Another thing we toyed with was the minimal Terminal (CTRL+ALT+T). As it has an SSH client, I can login to a terminal and get SOME work done.

As for the power management, it is pretty impressive. I have yet to see it "die" and I have used it for hours on end. The secret is in the unit's tendency to sleep when I am not doing anything. This sleeping is acceptable, because it instantly recovers from sleep, with a very minimal WIFI reconnect delay (provided the AP responds quickly).
-----------

What am I still looking/hoping for?

Easy access to the file explorer. So far I have only seen it when uploading photos with Facebook, and the file system seemed quite vacant, which shouldn't be a surprise.
Maybe there is a shortcut for opening the file explorer, but I haven't found it yet.
Some sort of "my files" on the Home page or whatever that at least acts as a shortcut to the Downloads directory would be nice.

Simple USB drive support. I plugged in my Droid Incredible, in USB drive mode, and didn't see anything in /media or /mnt that resembled a mounted volume. Maybe I can mount it myself, but I was not given the idea that the mount command was supported, nor did I find anything in /dev that looked like it was my connected drive.

Netflix. This is also on the FAQ. It's not really Google's fault though, in my eyes. (Ahem. I am not a fan of Silverlight. We don't need another Flash, especially not a Microsoft closed-source one.)

IMAP mail client. Sure, Gmail can access other mail via POP3, and can send my mail through work SMTP servers, but when I want to do work e-mail on this notebook, I have actually attempted to "close" Chrome and find Thunderbird.
This is one of the odd things about transitioning from Chrome Browser to Chrome OS. You have to keep yourself from clicking the nonexistent "minimize" and "close" buttons. My father was looking for these as much as I was, and repeatedly pressed the "file bug" button as it is where "minimize" would normally be.
--------

Other things?

I know I left stuff out. If you are reading this and you have any questions or suggestions of further research, I am all ears... err.. eyes.

Reality is far from 1.

2010-11-23T00:12:00.005-05:00

Every morning I wake up and feel like I'm about to explode into a million pieces.
There comes a time when that stops being different and it becomes your life.

I wish that a long time ago I had figured out what I know now: I am every one of those pieces, and they pull me in countless directions. That's why it feels like nothing works; that nothing makes sense. Everything does make sense, in its own way. There are a million conflicting "rights" and our world was not designed to hold that logic.

I become wrong with each passing thought. I become more estranged from the norm with every fleeting moment.
My only hope is that I find ways to compress and bend these fragments until they are workable in the real world. My fear is that I will never accomplish that task.

---------------------------------------------------
NOTE: I write something like this every November. I blame it on my birthday. Every year I think they show progress, but not necessarily toward fitting in and getting life working. With any luck, my November 2011 post will be more hopeful in the wake of actually graduating and ending this chapter in my life.

An open Letter to Netflix

2010-06-23T00:46:00.003-04:00

dear Netflix,

I pay you to send me DVDs to watch, yet I receive scratched up pieces of plastic that are roughly circular and have a hole in the center. Maybe you got confused, and thought that the scratches on DVDs weren't an issue. In reality, they are signs that some of your customers treat the DVDs like crap. Like all crap, this type rolls downhill, onto those of us who actually care for the disks you send us. I've gotten 3 disks in the past 2 weeks and only been able to watch 1. And it was a replacement for the first one!

Maybe you should evaluate the incoming disks vs. the outgoing disks. If a disk goes out in pristine condition and comes back covered in peanut butter, you should quarantine them to a set of customers who wipe dvds with brillo pads, and send people like me fresh copies.
Hell, I'm starting to think nobody actually looks at the disk surface at all. I'm going to clue you in on something: DVDs are optical disks. Would you have a good time seeing something if I gave your glasses a sandpapering treatment? Probably not. Most likely you'd have as good of a time as I do constantly clicking through to report a DVD as "unplayable" and getting reminded to try windex. If I followed your advice, I'd be fixing the paint in people's cars with windex and a little elbow grease.
Fortunately for you, Netflix, I do enjoy using your services more than I would enjoy not using them, so I guess you can just keep doing whatever, and I'll keep watching.

sincerely,
Jhoule and the rest of us who get gross DVDs

updating(fixing) rt2860(sta) wireless in Easy Peasy 1.6 / Ubuntu: eee 901 and similar models.

2010-04-29T05:04:00.016-04:00

This is a quick guide to updating the driver for your rt2860-based wlan card in your eee 901 and similar netbook, in linux.

The native driver in Easy Peasy 1.6 (and maybe Ubuntu 10.04, but don't hold me to that) does not work for any wireless access point with WPA/WPA2 with TKIP enabled (even if it is TKIP+AES mixed).
Also, when your system updates the kernel, this fix could become required (but it should be a simple file copy).

The latest drivers from ralink (the manufacturer of the card chipset) fix the issue.

IN ORDER FOR THE UPDATE TO WORK, YOUR COMPUTER MUST HAVE THE LATEST BIOS INSTALLED. VIEW THE SUPPORT SITE FOR THE MANUFACTURER OF YOUR NETBOOK FOR DETAILS.
Failure to update the bios may result in an unresponsive wifi card until it is updated to the proper version.

This guide is sourced by
* my reading this: http://ubuntuforums.org/showthread.php?t=1045703d (keep in mind that the driver version, file name(s) and ubuntu versions are wrong since it is an older post)

* some helpful comments from other Easy Peasy users on the facebook page (thanks to Cory Stephenson for catching some errors on my part): http://www.facebook.com/easypeasy

* files and readmes from the ralink linux support site: http://www.ralinktech.com/support.php?s=2
--------------

Optionally, before updating the driver, you can update the firmware. Go to the ralink linux support site and download the "Firmware RT28XX/..." file. Unzip and get the rt2860.bin file and put it in your /lib/firmware directory.

To update the driver to the one that works:

Step 1:
download the driver at the ralink site and compile it using the instructions in the ubuntuforums post (you MUST edit the lines in the makefile for WPA suppilcant)
OR
just download the one I compiled on my eee 901: http://www.filedropper.com/rt2860sta (link has expired)

Step 2:
put the "rt2860sta.ko" file in /lib/modules//kernel/drivers/staging/rt2860. (overwrite the current one; the directory after modules may differ depending on your kernel version.)

Step 3:

modprobe rt2860sta

to register the driver with the kernel

Step 4:
add a line "rt2860sta" to /etc/modules

code:

sudo echo rt2860sta >> /etc/modules

(or use a text editor and put it in, but you have to do it as a superuser).

which makes sure that this new driver is activated every time your OS loads.

Step 5:
reboot the system
code:

sudo reboot

(or however you like to do it)

when the system comes back up, your rt2860 card should be able to do B/G/N with any of the standard wireless security options!

do an

iwconfig

and check for an "ra0" entry to verify that it is up and working.

I know I wasn't as descriptive if possible.
If you find any errors or have anything to add, let me know.

good luck!

21st Century birthdays

2008-11-13T16:51:00.004-05:00

Just a quick thank you to all that wished me a happy birthday via the internet.
It was overall uneventful but relaxing.

Lainey got me Spore and took me out to dinner, because she's awesome.
She also screwed herself over, since Spore is also awesome, and she falls asleep easily during my gaming time.
Heh.

Note: just started letting facebook read these (from somesortofmachine.blogspot.com)
Oh joy, two different comment systems that aren't linked at all!
FB needs to get disqus!

Billy Corgan is and has always been awesome.

2008-08-07T03:26:00.003-04:00

Anyone catch The Watchmen's trailer?
They played it before Dark Knight in Imax when I went last night.

Not only does this look good, they picked quite possibly the greatest song ever for the thing... but the songs (there's another, similarly titled one I like almost as much) were written about Batman by Corgan for Batman & Robin.

Song's "The Beginning is the End is the Beginning," by the way.

Reason to actually like Vista (aka Mojave)

2008-08-04T20:18:00.003-04:00

hah
The whole Mojave thing is pretty awesome, have to admit.

But really, Aero is nice. check out this screenshot:

my desktop has the movie playing in MPC, and also in the preview window. at full FPS. wow.

If this would stop locking up, I'd love it.

2008-08-01T02:27:00.001-04:00

Not a whole lot going on...

Just doing Sun stuff CONSTANTLY.
Somehow, Mindreef didn't feel like 9-5 as much as this feels 10-6.
"Whatevskis," as Amir B. puts it.

Mostly checking out disqus with this post, since I like using it on J&A so much.

A couple IMs of note

2008-06-25T15:04:00.002-04:00

So... I'm working at Sun now.
Always told myself I wasn't going to do that.
I said "self, your brother and dad already work there. money and references aren't... okay shit, well they are pretty sweet. okay."

But I still have conversations from time to time with my friends who stayed at the IOL, such as:

On Turing:

JW: I hope you're having fun there, because WE ARE.
JH: Well, it's not bad here at all. I'm writing a tool for proofing human output, kind of the opposite of what I did for you, which was proofing computer output. Damn, if I combine the two, that thing could pass the Turing test.
JW: haha that's awesome. That's totally blog-able.

On M$:

JH: I know Windows can do it... sometimes
JH: but it's nowhere close to a "oh here's a neat feature"
JH: it's more of a "well this is kind of like your bastard child's mother... unsupported, and you're not going to like it."
JH: haha oh god I'm awful
GR: HAHAHAHAHA

What is "normal" anyway?

Still not sleeping very much...

2007-11-28T04:25:00.000-05:00

well, it's 4:25 Am and I have a class at 10 that I should go to, but I started this rant on my facebook and realized it should be blogged instead...

The American people admire their pop musicians and movie stars, and many of those people admire a science fiction writer who wrote literary passages that they find convincing and inspiring.
Though most are quick to ridicule them, about 84% of the world's population puts their own hopes and dreams into their own false gods. The followers of these new religions are put down for their ideas about spirits from foreign worlds inhabiting their bodies and such, but the whole idea of the spirit itself is a little other-worldly and science-fiction like. It undoubtedly makes more sense for many beings from outer space to have influenced things on this planet than one omniscient being who is everywhere yet nowhere to be seen to have caused everything people can't explain to/for themselves. I'm not saying I condone any one religion, but I plant the idea that they are all based on large amounts of fiction! I won't go to say the bible etc. are works of science fiction, for those who hold such works to be true oppose many well-accepted aspects of modern science. In the face of the knowledge accumulated by this race so far, all religious texts stand paled, and quite so.
In closing, religious (or non-religious vs. religious, as it is with science) differences are based in the fear of knowing that what one believes is most likely wrong in many ways. Any other explanations that stand alongside their own, or mask them, cause discrepancies to surface. The faithful cannot stand for discrepancy amongst what they believe to be true. This is the root of most conflict and among people and peoples, and it is a perfectly valid and logical choice to rid oneself of religion in order to avoid such things and try for the greater good of all peoples.

and....

2007-11-18T06:35:00.000-05:00

I was searched for drugs during a drug bust gone wrong tonight.
Way to go, suspicious UNH police.

highlights:

first thing cop says [To E]: "Who is the guy in the middle?"
Question we were all asked: "How long have you known C? How well do you know him?"

cop: "Is there anything in your pockets that is sharp and could hurt me?"
me: "you have my wallet in your hand. You already went into that pocket. There were keys... those could possibly hurt you if you tried."

cop: "Could you lift your foot, sir?"
me: "yeah, want me to start lifting the carpets? I'm feeling useless in here.

Cop on other side to car: "could you boys step out of the car please?"
[M and C get out, but I'm still inside, 'cause the guy that was shining a flashlight on my side disappeared.]
"were you including me? my guy went somewhere. hello?"

Cop to E: "there's nothing in your car?" [sniffing water bottle]
E: "No, and that's just water. It's been there forever.
[I somehow end up with the two of them at this point]
me: "that's just gross... dude, don't sniff that."

Cop: "are you in possession of anything I should know about?"
Me: "absolutely not."
Cop: "and were you guys doing anything back there that I should know about?"
Me: "to be honest... we were putting our seatbelts on to look good for you guys... did not work out well."

Cop: "lace your fingers, please?"
Me: "I'm pretty sure I already have them...[cut off]
cop: "Lace your fingers!"
me: "um okay I'll try harder."

If they're going to pull us over on bogus charges, they're going to get hilarious retorts.

In the end, our offense was threefold:

cop 1: "you were over the white line back there.... yeah. that one."
cop 2: "no, there was nothing about lines. you went through that red light, we think."
cop 3: "we weren't planning on pulling you over, but the boys were bouncing around back there."

Update:
"was it a full moon? They might have suspected him of having drugs and then feared you were a werewolf, and thought they had to take you in."
- my brother.

Back on the internets... with lists.

2007-11-17T04:28:00.001-05:00

I'm back.
Not sure where I went at all.
Not sure anyone ever will see these words except me, but JUST IN CASE, I'm actually posting.

Turning 21 was overall uneventful, until last night, when one of my roommates also turned 21. I guess I was bound to be drunk sometime within a week of my birthday, right?

Today was... interesting, but not interesting enough to post about.
Overall, this week has been pretty awful:

really sick all week.
wasn't able to sleep due to item #1
car tire randomly went flat
couldn't go to the DMV due to #3
had lot of schoolwork, which wasn't helped by anything else on the list.
I've been eating AWFULLY and the trip to the bar the other night was the nail in the coffin.

But hey there are good things:

Wrote a new song today (that's a sample)
Thanksgiving break is coming up
I'm getting the tire fixed tomorrow, which will force me to go the store and get healthy things.... and socks.
I got Feist's "The Reminder" and Thom Yorke's "The Eraser" for my birthday (weird combination of titles, huh?)

oh crap, more on the bad list than on the good list.
well, if you're reading, this, I'll throw you on the good side for my own benefit.

2007-08-28T03:15:00.000-04:00

It was too strange a feeling.
The song "Rock My Boat" was coming from an unseen source, as if inside my ultimate being.
Fearing the answer I knew would come, I asked her "am I dreaming again?"
"Of course you are," she said. "When have you ever been this happy, and when have I ever been this calm and composed?"
Having no answer, I remained silent.
I sighed many times, but it's not like that mattered nor matters now.
Never caught her name.. but the truth is, I don't think she ever had one.
Come to think of it, I don't even know where we were.
In the end, I'm only more convinced that there is an infinite beauty in a nothingness sought but almost never found.

world's turned obsolote

2007-08-12T02:43:00.001-04:00

Decided to take a different route with something I was writing today, and haven't put anything here in a while... so...

world's turned obsolete
(Xpost from allpoetry)

I have come to notice the misfortune
Been 20-odd years and I don't know myself
Almost 21 and I can't let another one go
Go like this

If this is the part I was meant to play
This script is turning stale
as every other stage-right metaphor
whole world's asleep

What an awfully frightening future
people never speak from the heart
minds and vocal chords turned obsolete
and replaced by silicon and electric sparks

Setting myself apart from the rest
I've put my mind to rational thought
Quit believing and started trying to
figure out who I've come to be

New Covers!

2007-07-28T16:58:00.000-04:00

Hi loyal readers (are there any?)

Recently, I have been working on getting more songs churned out, but my own aren't ready to be sung... most don't even have guitar parts yet.

That said, check out jeffhoule.tk (or the ad-free pubpages.unh.edu/~jrg34) for two new covers done at Jhoule studios (that's my bedroom).

Direct Links:

http://pubpages.unh.edu/~jrg34/snd/grn.mp3 ("Green Eyes" by Coldplay)

http://pubpages.unh.edu/~jrg34/snd/wid.mp3 ("For the Widows..." by Sufjan Stevens)

don't be afraid to give feedback.

Dimitri Martin makes microsoft look less annoying.

2007-07-16T19:39:00.000-04:00

clearification.com

'nuff said.

Do note: I have vista and yet, I'm still using XP.

good day machine

2007-06-23T23:36:00.000-04:00

so
I'm pretty much very alone and bored.
work's good.
class isn't. at all.
this is a mediocre summer so far
but hanging out in hollis has not been.

Time to finish that write that was staring me in the face for the past couple of weeks:

I'm an empty summer swimming pool
rusty disregarded bikes are strewn along the side
come and show me
my reflection in your eye

My life's a book half written
corners bent from going back to figure things out
to scribble over
those I couldn't think about

Someone turned off
the good day machine
laid to waste
all who dared to dream
One man stands
In the aftermath
Trying to wipe from his eyes
All that he has seen

I'm a lost letter
once sent to somebody I used to know
sealed with doubts concealed
questioning where her heart did go

Now I'm just someone
spending my days and nights this way
going down to see
all of humanity on parade

we're not going anywhere

And I'm the one who broke
the good day machine
so we could see
what it all means.

2007-06-20T01:27:00.000-04:00

I can't write any more.

well,
I wrote something awful just now and deleted it.
It used the word "stoic," which might have been the problem.
Sometimes, I can't get myself to write things that hit home that much.
It's like this:
I write some of the most deep things I feel,
but to another, they may appear conceited, shallow, or "emo."
Therefore, what's the point?
If it hurts that bad to write, it's not worth it.

As it stands, stoic is exactly how I feel.
I rewrote the thing in my aim profile though.
I think it's getting pretty good:

I'm an empty summer swimming pool
rusty, disregarded bicycles
sit along the side

I want to learn what you're like
You'd come over and show me
my reflection in your eye

as usual, it's overly incomplete.
as is this post.
so random, but I felt it needed an update.

ergh. stuck.

2007-06-08T01:45:00.000-04:00

I might break a few of my own rules
But I'll be sure to play it cool
and figure it out
figure it out

Things will never be the way they were
this is the only thing of which I am sure
but it's just movement ahead
movement ahead

I haven't felt so free for months
got to try not to take foolish stunts
don't want to break myself
break myself

But I will never complain again
everything is as it's always been...

and now I'm stuck.

I was playing some coheed today...

2007-06-04T02:13:00.001-04:00

It's inevitable to get inspiration from what you listen to... and even more so from what you play.
I sang "welcome home" by Coheed & Cambria today and it put me in a weird mood,
and my mind kind of went into Coheed mode, producing these lovely words for the early morning:

There was a letter that I
I had been writing
splattered upon it was the blood
of nails I'd been biting
because the things I had to say
couldn't be conveyed
without a rare angered inflection
I reserve for very few

Not sure I was very competent
nor very awake when I started
But it's so much easier to feel this way
when so sullen and broken-hearted
This recipient doesn't get a whole lot
so I'll scream it to her 'til my lungs are shot
the very least and most I can do.

It sits as ashes on my desk
along with the other memories I don't keep now
now that she's fucked their meaning,
Bitter words never heard nor read
For the good of many
remain in my broken head.

I really shouldn't reprimand the guys at work for accusing me of "writing emo songs when I go home." haha

New song!!

2007-06-02T02:31:00.000-04:00

As promised, a new song is now out for your listening pleasure... in 2 parts.

hear it at http://www.myspace.com/cancellationstation

or at http://www.jeffhoule.tk

!!!

2007-05-27T15:25:00.000-04:00

I just woke up from the strangest dream.

Everything I've ever owned was stacked up on my desk
things I didn't even remember owning.
It was an amazing clutter.

I spent hours putting everything away
throwing most of it out.
What a strange experience.

gravity pulls on everyone.

2007-05-27T00:07:00.000-04:00

So I saw Spiderman 3 just now.
It makes plenty of sense that Peter starts looking like an emo kid when he's in the black junk, 'cause that movie was depressing.

Sigh. Maybe I'll be cool and write another poem about it like I did for that other one... maybe you remember this?

"Crying out in vain
Can't you see the joy in his eyes
when he says her name?"

oh how I rock my own soul.

so yeah.
things aren't going so hot.
at all.
I'm going to stop lying to myself about that.
I guess that's already a step ahead?
It's okay, I'll fall back again, then get up and do it all over again.
I've been this way for 2 months and it's only getting worse.
Life.
Joy.
one in the same?
only time will tell.

oh great now I started rambling... so....

Haven't written to you in forever
it's not the easiest feat
letting go of what I still feel I need

I stole this moment of your time
just to leave this letter
to try and explain all that's gone on

I was so much in love with you
you, so cold toward me
at exactly the wrong times

What was I to do at this point
I couldn't keep fighting
when it seemed you never ever had

Didn't mean some of the things I said
at least not the way they were laced
and now I'm scared I don't know you

So maybe this is goodbye
because I never really got to wish you well
I just can't find words anymore

For that I apologize but for not much else
Pictures still hurt and thoughts always kill
It's really quite unbearable

No idea who this is for, I guess me
no point in recounting lost times
to long-gone memories

gaim no longer in beta... and no longer called gaim

2007-05-24T02:01:00.001-04:00

it's just so strange.
I've sworn by using gaim for years,
and now it's pidgin?
what?

it looks a little different, but overall, I'm going to give this one the okay.
ten times better than AIM of course.

gaim.sourceforge.net if you want to see it.

Back home

2007-05-19T15:45:00.000-04:00

So I'm back home,
and it's not very exciting.
at least not yet.

I have about a week until work and calc start.
I've decided the only intelligent thing to do is play computer games (?),
drink coke,
and watch TV.

I would have said watch movies but I've seen most of the ones on my computer, and Spiderman 3 is so damn popular I went there today and was told the next show that I could get tix to was at 6:00. It was effin' 3:00 when I got there.

Why I need to stop staying up past 1 AM

2007-05-09T04:23:00.000-04:00

First of all, finals are starting.
No more of this staying up all night!

Second of all, I get tired and start letting myself write...
like this:

--------------------
Beautiful rose
are you in bloom?
Do my words reach you
in your darkened room?

There were times
and places we stepped
I thought of them
in secret memories kept
where only I see

I'll never say that I was wrong
and your name screams from every song
no I don't know what that means
It's just like you to let me down
just when I was getting tired of not having you around
how long 'til I learn these things I sing?

Could have treated you better
you could have shown some decency
and if you really wanted letters
you should have talked to me

I would have written books
if there was indication it was true
you cared about me
the way I did about you
but you were too late

I'll never say that I was wrong
and your name screams from every song
no I don't know what that means
It's just like you to let me down
just when I was getting tired of not having you around
how long 'til I learn these things I sing?

Cut the roof of my mouth
when I said those sharp words
sorry but I can't always be reserved
when there's somethings that need to be heard

Realize I was a bit too harsh
and could have sugar coated
But time and time again
I build it up and you erode it

Don't you?
I couldn't keep fighting
for what you didn't seem to want

Don't you?
Threw in the towel
later than I had to

Don't you?
Notice these things
and that I can never win

Don't you
Wonder why it is
That we may never speak again

Don't you dare
But I'll never

I'll never say that I was wrong
and your name screams from every song
no I don't know what that means
It's just like you to let me down
just when I was getting tired of not having you around
how long 'til I learn these things I sing?

------------
and please tell me how that helps ANYTHING?
the end.

So this was different...

2007-05-07T14:20:00.000-04:00

I once fit
rooftops down
towers above
the trees never grow

Cities alive
was I torn
parts missing
my very being eaten

Slightly umbilical
torn away
fully alive
So far
unimaginable
and ready
to say goodbye

Sleep in
binging there
birds fly
can I be so free?

parking lots
wasteland follies
I was afraid
good reasons fade quickly

Totally unintelligible
quite hesitant
bleeding truths
A peace
a conflict
it came undone

Broken mirror
a reminder
a promise
strewn onto peach floors

The unknown
so easy
a wall
getting the picture

Slipped off
again looking
book opened
In someone else
manufactured quickly
ends quite quiet

This month's music.

2007-05-05T04:16:00.000-04:00

DON'T listen to anything by This Day and Age.
They whine enough to depress the happiest person,
and all of their lyrics are shockingly poignant to anyone who's ever been in a relationship.

"basically, the song slideshow, and almost the entire record... is about the end of a relationship, the end of the song, I guess, is about the fact that there needs to be closure and moving on... about looking optimistically at the future and looking to the future and there's always something to look for, and not being pessimistic"

oh really? 'cause I thought your album was kind of making people sad, and I saw nothing of closure, until the last word or so, and by then it's sort've lost its point...

This is like the stuff I wrote when I was a sophomore in high school when I listened to too much Dashboard Confessional.
Airplanes? I did that 2 years ago.

You give a bad name to Jeffs, all emo and wearing black in the middle of a street.
And what's with those glasses?
seriously. Look at yourself.
the end.

Instead, listen to:

Hard Fi - "Hard to beat"
Bright Eyes - "Take it easy (love nothing)"
Bloc Party - "I Still Remember"
Mute Math - "Typical"
almost forgot: Rogue Wave: "Eyes"

and in response to previous comments that blogger ate:
whatEVER

you're just jealous that you're not the only remotely ethnic person in your British band trying to sing. That guy doesn't have enough time for grammar, nor enough for women, when he has to constantly contemplate how he ended up where he is.

the hardest battles

2007-04-29T02:44:00.000-04:00

The hardest battles are fought with oneself.
In the mind.
Where no one but yourself can save you.

When you care about nothing.
and "why" and "how" seem as though they will elude you for as long as you live.

I was never one for living in the moment all of the time.
As much as I like to pretend I don't, I dream. Constantly.
I dream of people and places I have yet to experience....
but I also dream of those my mind... and my heart... hope/hoped would be there too.
Perhaps that's where I go wrong, but I'll never change.
I'll roll with punches that should make me want to leave.
I'll find the bright side of a dark day, if possible.
If there isn't one, I wait for the next day, and the day after that.
For someone who sounds so optimistic, why do I feel so awful?
Why have I felt so alone every minute of many, many of my days?
It can't be possible to turn love off.
How do you completely shut down a big part of who you once were or did?
All it seems to do is create this impenetrable shell of emotion.
One day, I know, I will be back on my feet.
Clear-headed.
And completely happy.
But that day is not going to come for a while
It can't.
I can't just go and "be happy."
I'm happy when I've helped someone.
Brightened their day.
Played them a song.
Told them a corny joke that was so pointless they couldn't help but laugh.
Things can't make you truly happy.
You can't make yourself happy.
It has to be other people's happiness that you strive for.
Have you ever heard "wow that guy was great. he had a nice car and never talked to anyone?"
or "well he had a good life; completely alone and uncaring toward most everyone."
No.
So what do I do now?
I work myself to death, but try and start going out with friends again.
I get back on track and push myself to succeed in both academia and interpersonal relationships.
Once I've not only impressed myself, but begun to make impressions upon others again...
This all ends.
No more rants.
At least, not to the unsuspecting public.
This is the plan.
This is a treaty.
for true happiness,
and no more beating myself up over undeniable things.
Singed,
On the dotted line,
One's mind.

Nazi march and middle-eastern prayers? No. It's britney spears.

2007-04-25T00:50:00.000-04:00

This week has been an odd one.
And I've been teaching people the wonders of backtracking.
The whole stairway backward saying stuff about the devil and all... google it.

Also discovered is that the previously doubted Britney Spears backtracking is true.
Though it doesn't mention the devil, I thought it'd be fun to make it sound like that.
enjoy: http://pubpages.unh.edu/~jrg34/snd/onemore.mp3

i'm sorry if you just ran like hell from your computer.

Anyway, we got our room in the new hybrid building next year.
There's one more guy in our suite now,
but we still have:
A living room
A bathroom for every 3.5 people
Central Air!!!!
everything NEW!
Women living down the hall (gasp)

it'll be sweet.

Going home this weekend to take care of some business and move some junk back,
'cause it's already almost time to go home.
I'm scared of what my grades'll look like, but glad to move on... and already psyched for next semester.
though... next semester could start next month if I do need to take math over the summer.

the end.

Scrubs 'n Stuff

2007-04-16T02:16:00.000-04:00

So I'd never really watched scrubs,
but thanks to DC++, I got a few seasons' worth of it this weekend.
oh great, another TV show I'll want to watch then forget to watch on Thursday nights.

Monday's housing selection. SERC, here we come. New EVERYTHING in there. I will enjoy next semester more when I'm 21 and therefore can go out and find new people without having to crash parties. Say what you will, but I don't feel entirely high spirited when I've been wandering around Durham because a friend of a friend is at a party somewhere and I'm going completely uninvited.
I was actually invited to a party last weekend but it was a theme party, and I've got an awful disposition toward those.

Also, as I completely had forgotten, CJA was coming up to Durham that night, and it was awesome to see him and shoot some pool with him and MK. I can't wait for summer when the BC can go out for "breakfast" at 3 in the afternoon and then wander around stores for a while, and every once in a while going from hollis to amherst back to hollis for some hangouts there too. I mean, I've met some awesome people here and I'll miss the ones who don't live near by over the summer, but sometimes you can't beat the old friends regrouping, you know? There are many details of adventures and triumphs and tribulations that don't sound as good in an IM or facebook message as they do in person, over BTBs and overly-expensive coffee confections.

I will also miss English class. It's like music was last semester. I have a couple people I know in there and get to talk to them and just shoot the shit, and it's laid back, and it's not all engineers/scientists.
Not that I have a problem with engineers, but most of the ones I run into are nothing like me.
I guess that just further proves the theory that I'm not socially cut out to be on the career track that I am on. Oh well!

This was long, pointless, and cryptic unless you live on campus and/or are me. Sorry.

R.I.P. Sidious

2007-04-07T01:59:00.000-04:00

Yesterday was a sad day.

I picked up my laptop, tilted it to the side and heard its wonderful "clink click clink" of a piece of metal that liked to move around inside it.
But instead of moving one place to another, it dropped into a new home: the heatsink's fan.
The sound turned into something reminiscent of a blender.
The sights were spectacular. well, not really. just some smoke and metallic chards.

Now, it runs for a while... slows down, then gets up to 100 degrees (Celsius) then shuts itself off.
There's no hope for dear ol' Sidious.

Right now I'm on the Death Star aka "Houle-family," because Skywalker is still at school, with Vader... and Jabba The Hutt (a printer).

Basically, my roommate and I are the coolest people ever.
The end.

I've been listening to Motion City... can you tell?

2007-04-01T23:06:00.000-04:00

So this is obv. not done, but I've been getting some raw emotion in my writings as of late
but also the "I'm fine" element, which is nice... in an angry way on here for some reason.
anyway, I leave it to you to ponder, rather than myself.
I'll finish it someday.

Harder than a left hook
Got my new outlook
From the only person I know to trust.
Who cares if I sleep alone tonight?
You know I'm strong enough to love someone
but I never could live lies
Guess that leaves me alone
and feeling fucking fine
Knowing the next person in this head and heart
Leaves them to be mine.

You'll fade out
You'll fade out
Memories put away
It's good to know
so good to know
I can be the only one
holding me back today

I believe in destiny
as long as it leaves me be
And it's something I may choose to manifest
Don't go thinking I can't get along.
Things pass through me as if I were air
if they so choose
But they won't get a second chance
Give them a fair warning
As to what's been brewing
There's too much to say, make, emote and care about

It won't be something I'm always doing
if I'm getting nothing sincere in return.
I won't be left in the fire to burn.

You'll fade out.

I hope you like jammin' too...

2007-03-27T02:06:00.000-04:00

Today was pretty awesome.
Classes weren't too awful, though I felt antzy the entire day, 'cause I thought it was going to be nice out like it was the other day, and I could go skateboarding and just hang out, but NO. It got gross out.
Well, then I just strolled in the rain with my iPod.
that kept me pretty happy.

I also had the most ridiculous English class ever where people admitted to sex addictions they thought the entire population was subject to, and eventually, a friend and I decided that he must be right, and that poverty comes from too many kids who come from prostitutes who sometimes sleep around for food and otherwise have to "do it" (his words) 8 times a day to keep from getting bored, and that it was just human nature and admitted to each other that we're exactly the same. Sex for food half the time.

Some girl's also writing a paper on porn. great. just what we needed.

Then after boring work where I didn't get any of my homework done because I kept destroying the kernel on my fedora box and had to keep hacking away at it to fix the problem (I actually technically gave up on it), I went to T's place with the intention of borrowing his amp again to rock out a bit on my electric, when he told me that O wanted to come play guitar too.
The three of us ended up playing some cool latin-type jams and got a three-guitar setup going pretty well:
T - Rhythm
O - Supporting riffs/tandem riffs
Me - Carlos Santana

We had basically the best time I have had since I got to college; then kids started hitting the wall to make us shut up.
Next post about guitar playing should include links to recordings!
Hooray!

As for classes... don't ask.

Vanilla Sky

2007-03-24T04:23:00.000-04:00

I watch Vanilla Sky when I'm depressed.
I don't know why.
It's not a good movie, exactly,
but it has a great soundtrack.
Damn them for tending to my love of Radiohead.

I'm completely confused about every part of my life right now.
Every single part.
It's a bit scary, you know?

Ares los ojos.

I don't sleep...

2007-03-21T03:24:00.000-04:00

I don't sleep lately
because I stay up studying to try and actually fix the mess I made of the first half of the semester.
I picked some awful classes to take. AWFUL.
Maybe I should change my major to some sort of writing thing... 'cause after I program for 3 hours, then study calc and plants, I write stuff on here. Like this:
---------------------------

"Glass"

I know that in time
Past loves and losses will be laid to rest
In fields of memories
with everything two lovers said in jest

Didn't mean half of what I wrote to her
a clouded mind is an awful thing
But I stand behind the facts of life
As shattered emotions are still lingering

When all I was trying to say
was "I feel alone, but I've got you in mind and I'm trying to stay strong"
I knew there was no way in hell she'd ever stay
away from me and still want to get along
But if I knew this would happen,
why did I let her lead me on?

We hope for rising suns
that make us feel complete and accomplished
It's not that hope was given up
There was a utopia for which one wished

No hope can be found where we once stepped
I've tread upon miles of dirt and stone
It only leads to unfathomable miseries
What was once inviting is now far from being home

When all I was trying to say
was "I'm still hanging on to see if this thing can last"
I knew there was no way in hell she'd feel the same
And I can't get anywhere new if I'm still dwelling on the past
I may stop trying to reach the one I've loved and known
It's getting harder to communicate through this, such somber glass.

Back to the grind

2007-03-19T02:01:00.000-04:00

Ah,
so break is over.
It was... depressing.
And boring.
Don't go thinking I complain a lot; these are just plain facts.
I slept, ate, and shoveled snow.

For reasons to be inferred, this break was missing a big part of what made getting time off of school enjoyable.
I left the stuff I wanted to work on in my dorm room all week, which was dumb,
but I did learn to play the ukulele (add that one to the list of stupid tricks I have)

I went out and got "Skin and Bones" by the Foo Fighters,
because I've been having trouble getting along with some of the music on my music drive.
A restraining order from "Flint" by Sufjan Stevens may be in... order (what the f? how did that turn so redundant?) but it is so good. I learned to play it on the piano in my boredom.

Some of the tracks on Skin and Bones are amazingly better than their studio equivalents.

Wow, so that was quite the bucket of random information.

"If timing play evident,
what will you say when you're late?"
oh coheed.

Speaking of late, I have class in a few hours, so I suppose I should sleep.

2007-03-16T03:04:00.000-04:00

I've spent a few more days here
and not much has changed except for feeling more alone.
The only person other than my parents I even talk to is J, and she's helped me stay sane.
I hope I've helped her too.

There's a new show on ABC called "October Road" that is worth checking out.
I've always had a thing for Laura Prepon (that 70s show), and the rest of the cast doesn't seem to be too inept.
The storyline is, might I say, neat and possibly imaginative?
If this show goes somewhere... hell, I'll actually keep watching it.

This was random, so I'll add to that.
The weather is probably ruining my only good plans this week, on Saturday.
Sadly, that means that making milkshakes tomorrow with my mom will actually be the most exciting thing I've done since Conal's last weekend. wow.
This is why I don't like Amherst. Its boring.
There's nothing left for me here.
I think I would have rather been back at UNH, with people and fun to distract me from things I'm trying to get over.

The end.

break

2007-03-13T03:03:00.000-04:00

So I'm glad to have this week to sleep
because I will be destroying myself as I try and get my grades up once I go back.

I've been sleeping for most of the day these days, and staying up until morning. Not incredibly productive, but whatever.

I learned "Flint" by Sufjan Stevens on piano the moment I got home. Sort of. I'm not sure why my coordination works perfectly on stringed instruments, but on keyboards my hands get confused.

Today, my ukulele arrived, which is great. I've written a few little tunes on it, and am prepared to do some covers of popular tunes on the uke and recording them for some fun.

I don't feel alive right now.
It's some sort of suspended animation I'm in.
I'm still trying to figure out why home feels so different, but I've got some guesses.

End of ramble. for now.

this post brought to you by the word "bleh."

2007-03-09T00:53:00.000-05:00

I hate colds.
This just adds to the frustration that is now.
(implied sigh.)

as usual, some musings:

I've spent enough time away from you for a lifetime,
And now I'll spend even more,
If it means I'll eventually be alright,
as long as I'm not wondering how long forever can be,
But I'm scared of showing up at your door.

All the run-on sentences I spoke
are coming back to haunt me
when I should have left a few
for you to read so long ago and yesterday
and I guess their being inadequate was always a possiblity

One time I thought I woke up and it was all a dream
a few years had never passed and I was seventeen
still wondering who she was, that girl I saw
and if I had a chance to be the one she loved
back when I didn't know what that could even mean

But my eyes opened twice that night and I was here alone
still in shock and tossing in my sheets like I was sick, I'm sure it was awful to witness
It occurred to me like the sun rising for the first time
I felt blinded by the truths I hid under some rugs
Buried them all under a song that sounded quite like this

----------------
I am jack's unfortunate, timely sense of loneliness.

?

2007-03-06T02:54:00.000-05:00

Still can't sleep, but that's how the last three months have been.
Today I finally got my appetite back. That's probably important.
Break in a few days. Much needed.

Something new is here. I can feel it.
With spring may come hope
and from hope, happiness often comes.
It's not that I'm unhappy
but nothing exactly excites me either.

I am Jack's new glimmer of determination.

...

2007-02-28T09:55:00.001-05:00

I don't know what to do.

Maybe I do

but either way, it eats at me.

"Hi, I'm a Mac," "and I'm a PC": What if Justin Long really was a mac one could speak to?

2007-02-26T20:09:00.000-05:00

Now, I've always been a PC enthusiast.
More recently I'm discovering the benefits of linux and overall open-source offerings for about everything, but I still lump that into "PC," in a way.
I could never stand macs, and you know what, I dislike them even more at this point.
If someone came up to me and declared "Hi, I'm a Mac," my response would likely be "listen, that's great, but I think I have work to do, and you'll probably take half an hour just to get up and running. Do you... know what work is?"
Read on, if you actually care.

Yes, the UI looks good on the mac. They have arguably one of the most eye-catching non-themed (so to speak) OS's out there. The problem I have is that its beauty gets in the way of its functionality.
A non-mac-yet person opens up a macbook, or spends 15 minutes to 2 hours (if needing to call a friend or tech support) finding the power button on the current iMac offering, and they are dazzled by the look, but bedazzled and overall disappointed with themselves for not "getting it." I was in that boat. Someone asked me to attempt networking their macbook with their windows computer and there were about eight hundred steps just to find a configuration manager. I think Apple might be hiding the guts of the OS so that the standard user doesn't tinker with it and then end up unsatisfied with their product.

Not to worry Apple! They'll just call you up for a new one. Afterall, just like the iPod, the mac is a disposable silicon brick. Unless one dabbles in the tower-type offerings of a powermac or whatever they call them now, their hardware is set in stone. Any upgrades will likely be a refurbished unit looking like the one sent in (a-la some of those failed iPods)

I suppose I'll stop my rant soon, but I was a bit irate when the person working before me logged out of the mac at my desk, and it took 15 minutes just to get its bearings before I could do anything to it (which, of course, was promptly turning it off and booting up my Toshiba laptop, which is an old brick itself now that it is 5 years old, but seems to keep on chugging.) Too bad the "mighty mouse" has a mighty list of design flaws, and I had a difficult time getting it onto a surface that would allow for a simple click.

Thanks, but no thanks, Apple. I'll never use your computers.

As Tall As Lions

2007-02-24T17:07:00.000-05:00

This Post is best read whist listening to anything by As Tall As Lions.

Hello, world!
(That's a corny programmer's joke. Don't worry about it.)

Things are strange right now. I find myself with multitudes of time, yet having no time for myself. I get lost in my own thoughts whenever I'm not working so hard I can't think at all. I'm missing deadlines for reasons unknown, and oh I'm still sick apparently too. Awesome.

I haven't played the guitar for more than a few hours in the past 3 weeks, which I hope to fix this weekend in-between a few assignments and actually being social.
The roomate's gone for the weekend, which is good and bad. On the good side, I have the space to myself to just listen to music loudly and rock out and sing without anyone being annoyed/awkward about it. The bad side is that most of the people on the floor that I hang out with are nowhere to be seen, and he took the Wii home so I have less things to keep me non-bored.

I've had a bit of a homesickness feeling lately, but I know there's nobody there that I actually want to see. I long for summer, when the people I love are all around, and we can go out on random trips for a day or two and just be ourselves. With each day that passes I feel like things will never be carefree again. When I'm here, I have 5 courses to do work for, and 2 jobs. When I'm back home, I have a 9-5 job during the week that's exciting but sometimes feels a bit much.
Probably the biggest thing is how far away I feel from those closest to me. I don't know where they are or what they're up to, except for the away message or facebook post they've made or something. I guess I need to just put things in a different perspective, because I keep going from okay to happy to awfully depressed.

I need motivation, free time, and some general good times to turn things around, start doing better in school, and overall start being enthused about who I am, where I am, and what I'm doing. Let's hope that starts happening soon.

If I do get that free time, here are a few things I plan on doing:

X - work on "Project ADAM," my awesome short story/novel
X- write some more songs
X- have some jam sessions with Tony
X- write more poetry
X- find something active to be involved in.

that's all for now.

Signed,
"The Houle Factor" (my latest nickname, believe it or not.)

Operation Back-On-Track

2007-02-17T13:17:00.000-05:00

Due to laziness and a plethora of sicknesses, I have not been attending class enough.

As woody allen would say, 80% of success is showing up.
I attempted that yesterday but got kicked out of class for being sick around a pregnant woman.
Great.

Hopefully after I'm not sick, I can get things back in order, because right now I'm scared of how my grades are probably looking.

I still think the math dept. here does drugs. That's the only explanation I have for some of the crazy things they do.

The end.

P.S: Helping me get around better is the stupid thief who returned my bike to the scene of the crime.
Some bolt cutters later, I have my bike back.
They trashed it a bit, but once I get it checked out, I'll be back to getting places faster/early.

Parties, Wii, Jim Gaffigan, oh and Classes too.

2007-01-28T20:42:00.000-05:00

Hello fellow blogheads,

The first couple of weeks of school have been ROUGH, but things are turning around.
It doesn't really help that my girlfriend is gone for months and we miss each other quite a lot.
Well, it could have been worse, but I mean it was so cold and I got really sick and my classes are too early for me to consciously get there.
You know when people drink too much and say that they've "time traveled?" I do that about 3 to 4 days a week, sans the drinking part. I'll end up in my seat in class or at the bottom of a lecture hall staring up at the seat, 2 minutes into a lecture, with absolutely NO idea how I've gotten there.
I have never been a morning person, and 8:10 classes aren't helping.
This week I might set a goal to go to every single class, even though most of them aren't worth going to yet because we're in the "review" sections of the books.

Yesterday, my brother called me up and we went out to "Dovah" for the birthday party of a friend of a friend of his friend or something, but it was a really good time. Don't believe me? I stole a picture of it:

Note that I seem to be balding more... time to find a nice hat. Oh to be a man in my family!

Then a friend came back from home today with a Wii and we have played Wii Tennis about 20 times already. Those things are great, and much cheaper than the alternatives.
Between the Wii and Jim Gaffigan clips, homework has been on the backburner, or the way-back-burner, but I will be back on track by tomorrow night, because I have another 4-hour shift to do all of my studying and such, and that's a good thing.

Damn you Google, I can't stop using your services, and you added a blogging site? Evil!